Q:  I'm having arguments with my kids every night when I try to get them in the house.

Bedtime has become WW III around here. (I even had a Buzz Lightyear action figure flung across the patio at me last night!) The evenings are brighter and many of the neighbours' kids are out late, but my children are only 8 and 10 years of age and still need to get to bed at a reasonable time.   HELP!

A:  Oh my—Buzz Lightyear missiles! Let's see if we can not only prevent the battle from escalating, but actually restore peace to your world.

As we know, routines are vital for family harmony and they also teach children great things such as self-discipline and respect for order. However, a change of seasons usually involves a change in routines. And, whenever we consider rejigging our routines it's always useful to look at the needs of the situation first.

What's different about summer? Plenty.

For example:

•  no school to get up for in the morning (that means time to sleep in!)

•  no homework to do in the evenings

•  it stays brighter outside much later

•  the evenings cool down, making it fun to be outdoors

•  the streets are full of noise and activity

I bet we all remember the thrill of summer holidays when we were kids. We also probably remember giving our own parents a hard time at bedtime. So to break that pattern and make our own families run smoother, we need to get the children on board and cooperating.

Strategies:

The best place to start is with a family meeting — and your children are at a great age to problem-solve. So book one tonight and follow these 5 simple steps:

•  Calm Time

Present the issue at a calm time and in a respectful (non-blameful) way:

"We're having some challenges getting to bed on time and I'd like your help in finding a w ay to make our evenings work better." Agree on a meeting time that suits everyone.

•  Child's Point of View

Start the meeting off by acknowledging your children's position first. (It's important for them to believe you're understanding and caring of their point of view — whether you agree with it or not!)

"You're having fun outside with the kids on the street and you don't think it's fair that you have to come in soooo early. Is that how you see it?"

Give the children a chance to elaborate on the injustice of it all and listen without comment (small sounds like "Mmm... I see" can be a help !). Then summarize what you've heard them say.

"So you feel that we should relax the rules because it's summer and you believe you can handle a later bedtime. Is that correct? Anything else?" (Always good to give them another shot at voicing their opinion now that the wheels are in motion!)

•  Parent's Point of View

Now it's time to share your point of view. It's probably best to keep this brief since they've heard you rant and rave for days now. Plus, you have their cooperation for the moment, so don't screw things up. Get to the heart of how you feel ( in 10 words or less):

"I love you too much to fight every night."  Or   "I want to end our days on a happy note."

•  Brainstorm

Time to brainstorm a better evening routine for the family. Everyone can present ideas — even crazy ones. At this stage, all ideas are accepted. It's a good idea to jot them down. Also, you want to keep the process positive — this isn't the time to evaluate or knock ideas.

•  Solutions

Time to sort through. I suggest the process of elimination — the goal is to agree on a solution that's mutually satisfactory. Write down the revised routine and agree to test it out for a few nights to see if it works for everyone. Also, book a time to evaluate the effectiveness of the new routine — follow-through is a key to the success of these sorts of agreements. If it's working, congratulate yourselves; if it isn't, go back to the drawing board.

Ideas in case you get stuck!

•  Change dinner hour to allow for longer outdoor time (even if for only 2 nights per week)

•  Simplify summer meals —   try sandwiches with veggies and dip or have a "Backwards Day" — rice and veggies for breakfast, and cereal with fruit for dinner

•  Place a blanket on the lawn and have an outdoor picnic (in the winter we would put the blanket on the living room floor and picnic — all that was missing were the ants!)

•  Do story time earlier in the day (when it's too hot to be outdoors) to allow more play time in the evening

•  Instead of a bath, have the children run through the sprinkler before bed

•  Coordinate outdoor time with the neighbours

•  Have your children choose a household job for the summer — meal prep, kitchen clean-up, etc. This way both the parents and the children can get outside sooner.

Beverley Cathcart Ross

Certified Parent Educator
416-480-2499

beverley@parentingnetwork.ca

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